Alan Shore

Last night I went to bed with a book, not nearly as much fun as a 29 year old, but the book contained a speech by Adlai Stevenson. The year was 1952, he said 'The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live and fear breeds repression. Too often sinister threats to the Bill of Rights, to freedom of the mind, are concealed under the cloak of anti-Communism.' Today, it's the cloak of anti-Terrorism. Stevenson also remarked that it's far easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. I know we are all afraid, but the Bill of Rights, we have to live up to that, we simply must.

Marshall

I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time!...OK, that came out wrong.

Barney

Ted, tonight we're gonna go out. We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary. Phone-five!

Dr.Cox

You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as button-less, all smooth like G.I Joe's nether-regions. And, by the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack, who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is... just disturbing enough so that, leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools which brings me back to you - THE FOOL. I'm done suffering you so go now. Go... go before you can write a book entitled "Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass COLON: The Lester Hedrick Story".

Dr.Cox

What with Barbie here being rediculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, "together" the two of you make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.

Stewie Griffin

Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Turk

This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Homer Simpson

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Homer Simpson

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Denny Crane:

"I'm going to tell you this one more time with all the humility I can summon up. I'm the greatest trial attorney that ever lived. You will not beat me."