Denny Crane & Alan Shore

Denny Crane: I don't fear death - never have. But I do fear being hooked up to a machine ... would you want to live like that?
Alan Shore: No, Denny, if it came to that, I'd pull the plug.
Denny Crane
: Pull the plug? That's no way to die. I want you to shoot me!

Dr. Spaceman

I have the results of your DNA Test. I am very serious about doctorppatient confidentiality, so I am gonna have to ask that all four of us keep this to ourselves.

Dr. House

Oh, I almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?



Damn that Brockman! There are only two rules in TV -- don't swear and don't whip it out! It's not rocket science!


Oh, my God! This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.


There's two kinds of guys. The ones who hold your hand and the ones that f**k you.


Peter Griffin

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)I woke several hours later in a daze.


You Look Unhappy, I like That

Randy Hickey

It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? Maybe he can't see that he's smiling. Am I smiling, Earl?

Denny Crane

I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily. I don't know why because I'm not a psychiatrist. For what it's worth I like chubby girls, I enjoy chubby sex. What I'm trying to say is if this is a lonely chubby's cry for help. I'm here for you Lori.


Hat's off, there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.

Joy Darville

I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face, we could hang out.

Earl Hickey

''As soon as I woke up, I realized that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake.


There's a store on Eighth Avenue that specializes to put this delicately...battery powered, adult recreational...fake penises.

Jack Donaghy

Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

Denny Crane

May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.

Drew Carey

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

JD & Turk

JD: Y'know how I am totally down with the rap music?

Turk: Dude... be whiter.

Tracy Jordan

LIKE it? I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Liz Lemon

I want to do that thing rich people do where they turn money into more money.